Am I Still Not Good Enough?

Hello Everyone. Have you ever had this feeling about feeling like your not good enough for a guy, a girl, your parents, friends, and all the other bullshit out there. I am basically going to rant on how this person made me feel and when I decided to stop thinking I am not good enough. Hope you all enjoy this blog. :) Guys please keep in mind I'm not talking bad about him. I am just sharing my experience/my point of view from this situations. He has every right to share his opinions. I will have to say this guy isn't a horrible guy. 

 My story started when I started second guessing myself if I am good enough because of a guy. I will never share this guy's name so let's give him a fake name.. and the winner is "Isaiah".I started to become interested in Isaiah. Not going to lie I was much heavier and Isaiah was the only guy giving me attention.

This entire time Isaiah and I were "friends"... I have to say I let him push me around for far too long. He used to treat me like I was  disease and was embarrassed to be seen with me. I put up with this rude and horrible behavior because I wasn't happy with my physical appearance... It made me look like a puppy that followed him. 

 I started to analyze his attitude and the way he treated me because of a picture he posted on Facebook with a girl. Later on that week,  he told me about how he was interested in that girl and he felt he had to tell me because he wanted to prevent me from acting shady.  That's when I hit the point that I had enough of this rude behavior he was giving me. Yes, that photo that he posted made think "he's not embarrassed to be seen with her, he probably doesn't treat her like crap". The more I was thinking "he has me here like something to hide, and like I'm second best". This made me realize that I was just settling for my appearance and Isaiah's behavior.  

That day is when I started to think I am going to treat him the way he treats me. Let me tell you he didn't like that. I will have to say the way I acted was a bit childish and went down to his level when I should've talked it out. That was my fault, but I can say we learn from mistakes. 

After this whole thing happened he stopped talking to me and told me he didn't want to be my friend. And made a joke "see you in eight months" and the whole reason behind that is because I started a fitness journey. He unfollowed me on Instagram and blocked me on Facebook, and then deleted me afterward. 

During this time I started to feel like "Why doesn't he like me, why doesn't want to be my friend, what did I do". This entire time for weeks I blamed myself because he doesn't like me, and made me feel like why I am not good enough for him. I started to compare myself to that girl he was interested in and I was thinking I am not pretty enough. This was the worst thing I could've done.

Time passed by and we started talking again as friends. May I add he apologized for his behavior towards me. Not going to lie he did change his attitude and behavior but still feels like he's embarrassed to be seen with me that doesn't involve school. Recently, he mentioned he is entering serious talks with a person of interest. I started to realize when I am EVER going to be good enough for him. I started to feel the same way again I felt 2 months ago and I am not okay with that.

It feels like he will never accept me until I fit his ideal body type. I have something to say that my weight may have an impact on my physical appearance currently. My fitness journey is starting show way more and I am loving the results that are showing. If I am being honest seems like he only wants me at my best physical appearance but I accepted him when he currently isn't at his best of physical appearance either. Don't want to burn any bridges with him but he should keep that in mind because it's the truth.

I know how it feels to think I am never going to be enough for this person or going fit in this person idea of a future. You start to wonder if all these things you did for this person doesn't count for you being accepted or appreciated or loved. It seems like you went the distances to keep them happy but it wasn't far enough. You start to blame yourself but it truly isn't you. 

You want to be accepted and wanted but all your getting from this person is that your not good enough and rejection.  We have to learn and accept that's how it's going to be but not waste time on blaming ourselves.  I am going to say this "hey beautiful. You got this, no matter how they make you feel and turn you down. Don't give up on this because you may have lost the battle but you are going to win the war. You are worth fighting for."  

As for my feelings for Isaiah I am still kind of interested but I've been blinded. Now I can open eyes and I see what he is. I came to realize I am this brilliant, good hearted, and kind woman. If you can't see past my current physical appearance then you can't have anything to do with the future me. He has the right to feel what he's feeling towards my physical appearance but keep in my mind one doesn't forget what was said. It hurts me that he is actually trying with this other girl and he never tried with me. Honestly I am okay with that because I stayed too long and took enough. I am not going to stay just to figure out what he already is.

As William Traynor says in Me Before You " Push yourself. Don't Settle. Just live well." Don't ever settle for something that makes you feel bad or second guess yourself. I think I was settling because he was the only guy giving me attention when I was heavier. I am grateful for the attention, He is going to see he made a mistake when I reach my fitness goal. All I'm going to say that overweight girl that is interested him is going away with the weight I am losing. 

Little Mix couldn't said it even better " Your stole the love that I saved for myself and I watched you give it to somebody else. But these scars I no longer hide" and "I am the diamond you left in the dust. I am the future you lost in the past." I was holding back tears in my eyes but I know what my worth is now. I was never going to be considered in his league because of my weight but trust me when I lose it I am going to be out of his league.He's not a bad guy but I wish him nothing the best. I hope he never feels what he made me feel. He has no idea the words he said to me have left me scarred that everyday they haunt me. In all those words he told me he did say one thing that true.. I can do better than him. I just want him to know I say understand but that means I accepted the rejection. I hope he realizes this girl he rejected is one in million and regrets it. 

I hope some of you can relate but every single one of you has different stories, I just want to remind you every stone and words thrown to you just use them as ammunition. You deserve the best and don't settle. 
I am not writing this blog to make the guy seem like a jerk or anything. I just want to share my experience and it's a reminder to myself to not let anyone bring you down.

-- Ginny XO :)